Saturday, September 20, 2014

Updated Humour for Intelligent People



In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.  

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decreed, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office.  His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.  

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.  I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics.  I have researched the history of . . ."

At that point, the colonel interrupted.  "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."  

Consolidations in 2017

  1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
  2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
  3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
  4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
  5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
  6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers become: Fairwell Honeychild.
  7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
  8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women become: Knott NOW!
  9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

Apolitical aphorisms

  1. If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. –Jay Leno
  2. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. – Henry Cate, VII
  3. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. – Aesop
  4. If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these Election speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. – Will Rogers
  5. Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.— Nikita Khrushchev
  6. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become Prime Minister or Premier; I'm beginning to believe it. – Clarence Darrow
  7. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. – Author unknown
  8. Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. – John Quinton
  9. Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. – Oscar Ameringer
  10. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. – Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
  11. A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. – Tex Guinan
  12. I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. – Charles de Gaulle
  13. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. – Doug Larson
  14. There ought to be one day – just one – when there is open season on senators. – Will Rogers

The typical business owner

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS auditor: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.

Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.”

IRS auditor: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know?”

Lexiphilia

  1. How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
  2. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
  3. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
  4. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  5. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
  6. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
  7. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
  8. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
  9. I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
  10. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  11. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
  12. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
  13. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
  14. When chemists die, they barium.
  15. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
  16. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  17. Why were the Indians in the USA first? They had reservations.
  18. I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  19. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
  20. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  21. Broken pencils are pointless.
  22. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  23. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
  24. All the toilets in Sydney’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
  25. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  26. Velcro - what a rip off!
  27. Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

Short jokes

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ‘im!”
  1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
  2. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  3. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  4. Two fish swin into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
  5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
  6. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
  7. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
  8. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  9. During a recent meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, Saint Peter and Saint Theresa concluded that the behaviour of former President Clinton had brought about the urgent need for an eleventh commandmen, particularly since Bill would get into the White House again if Hilary were to win.  They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session, trying to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.  They persevered and, after many revisions, finally agreed that the eleventh Commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
  10. As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.  In your third drink after you Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.  The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.  When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.""Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you buy the first two."                                                                                                                                                       "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman.  "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.  Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
           The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this REALLY happen to you?"  "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”           

Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase 
is surprising or unexpected, in a way that causes the reader or listener to re frame or reinterpret 
the first part. It is frequently used for humourous or dramatic effect, 
sometimes producing an anticlimax.

  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  4. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  5. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  7. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  8. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  9. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  10. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  11. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
  12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:” I put, “Doctor”.
  13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  14. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  15. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  16. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  17. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  18. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  19. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
  20. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  22. He was old enough to know better, but too young to resist!
  23. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me very attractive.
  24. I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
  25. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
  26. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  27. I'm great at multitasking, I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  28. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  29. Take my advice — I'm not using it.
  30. My spouse and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
  31. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
  32. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  33. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  34. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
  35. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  36. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
  37. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
  38. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
  39. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  40. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
  41. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  42. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  43. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
  44. Money is the root of all wealth.
  45. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. 
  46. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  47. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 
  48. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.   
  49. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.    
  50. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  51. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 
  52. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
  53. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 
  54. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 
  55.  A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 
  56.  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 
  57. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 
  58.  Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 
  59. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 
  60.  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 
  61. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  62.  I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 
  63.  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 
  64. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 
  65. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 
  66. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 
  67. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
  68. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 
  69. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 
  70. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 
  71. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 
  72. Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 
  73. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
  74. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 
  75. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 
  76. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 
  77. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  78. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 
  79. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 
  80. You're never too old to learn something stupid.   
  81. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 
  82. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 
  83. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 
  84. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 
  85. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? 
  86. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
  87. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  88. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  89. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
  90. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 
  91. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  92. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  93. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  94. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  95. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  96. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
  97. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  98. A backward poet writes in verse.
  99. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.  In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
  100. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .
  101. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
  102. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  103. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
  104. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  105. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
  106. The mushroom with an eight-inch stalk was a fun guy.
  107. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  108. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  109. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  110. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle; he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
  111. I used to be a banker but I lost interest 
  112. I don’t trust these stairs because they’re always up to something.
  113. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. 
  114. I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
  115. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
  116. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
  117. Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.
  118. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  119. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  120. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.   
  121. The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
  122. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  123. When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.
  124. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
  125. A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
  126. Broken puppets for sale; no strings attached.
  127. I bought a ton of staples and pushpins for $3.99, plus tacks.
  128. The forest had burned down, but now it’s back by poplar demand.
  129. Egg farms are multi-layer organisations.
  130. After the drummer moved in next door, there were many repercussions.
  131. The carpenter came round, making the best entrance I have ever seen.
  132. In ancient Egypt, papyrus farmers taught people the importance of reeding.
  133. Eastern European gymnast electrocuted in Pole Volt.
  134. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
  135. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  136. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
  137. The batteries were given out free of charge.
  138. A will is a dead giveaway.
  139. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  140. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  141. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  142. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
  143. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  144. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
  145. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
  146. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...
  147. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting “oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”
  148. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
  149. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
  150. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
  151. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  152. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  153. The batteries were given out free of charge.
  154. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
  155. A will is a dead giveaway.
  156. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  157. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
  158. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  159. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  160. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
  161. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  162. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
  163. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
  164. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
  165. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational

The idea is to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
  1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
  2. Intaxicaton (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
  3. Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  4. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  5. Foreploy (n.):  Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  6. Giraffiti (n.):  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  7. Sarchasm (n.):  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  8. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  9. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  10. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
  11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  12. Glibido (n.): All talk and no action.
  13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Another Washington Post Special

Readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

  1. Coffee (n.) The person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.) Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.) To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (v.) To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.) Impotent.
  6. Negligent (adj.) Absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  7. Lymph (v.) To walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (n.) Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence (n.) Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (n.) A rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle (n.) A humourous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude (n.) The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  13. Pokemon (n.) A Rastafarian proctologist.
  14. Oyster (n.) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  16. Circumvent (n.) An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


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