Get ready to groan -- and to enjoy doing so!

 Groaners....

😊

1. A man died today when a pile of books fell on him. He only had his shelf to blame.
2. Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me, it means a lot.
3. My roommates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils, but that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
4. When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
5. A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
6. Weight loss pills stolen this morning - police say suspects are still at large.
7. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
8. Stop with the blind jokes...I don't see the point.
9. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
10. If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you.
11. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
12. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
13. The tea leaves were rather cross at being used twice; they could hardly restrain themselves.
14. My new diet consists of aircraft, however itss a bit plane.
15. Cows lie down in the rain to keep each udder dry.
16. It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
17. She didn't marry the gardener. Too rough around the hedges.
18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
19. Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they're best cellars!
20. She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
21. How do you organize a space party? You planet!
22. I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend, my neighbour is dead against it...
23. For a fungi to grow you must give it as mushroom as possible.
24. I hate carrying my luggage around the airport, I rest my case.
25. If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.
26. It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty... but he had a great fall.
27. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. But I've never met herbivore!
28. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
29. I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time!
30. An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
31. How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
32. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
33. Why do they put fences around cementeries? Because people are dying to get in!
34. Did you hear about the kid napping? He woke up.
35. My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.
36. I wrote a song for a tortilla. Well, its more of a wrap.
37. Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He's all right now.
38. He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
39. He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
40. I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
41. How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
42. I make apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
43. I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
44. Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
45. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
46. When I asked my dog how his day was, he said it was rough.
47. The best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line
48. I should have been sad when my flash light batteries died, but I was delighted.
49. Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.
50. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster - but it just made it more sluggish.
51. My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
52. Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die!
53. I don't trust stairs... they are always up to something.
54. My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers. But I didn't 1 2.
55. I've been thinking about learning Braille, but its a bit of a touchy subject.
56. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
57. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
58. I tripped over my girlfriends bra, seemed to be a booby trap.
59. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
60. I've got a chicken-proof front lawn. It's impeccable!
61. Shout out to people who don't know what the opposite of in is!
62. What's a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.
63. I used to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me!
64. The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
65. I asked a Frenchman if he played video games, he said wii.
66. If you've been thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet!
67. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
68. You didn’t hear about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well.
69. I couldn't figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it clicked.
70. I saw a beaver movie last night; it was the best dam movie ever.
71. My grandma is on speed-dial; now I call her Instagram.
72. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
73. I'm going to buy some Velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?
74. The butcher walked backwards into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
75. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything
76. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
77. After the birth of your first child, your role in life will become apparent.
78. I was addicted to soap... I'm clean now.
79. I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
80. Jokes with punch lines can be painfully funny.
81. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
82. I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back.
83. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
84. Pun of the day is very important. As seven days without a pun makes one weak.
85. I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
86. Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.
87. Please don’t make my funeral too early. I’m not really a mourning person.
88. I'm going to stand outside, if anyone asks where I am tell them I am outstanding.
89. My friends say I'm getting fatter. In my defense I've had a lot on my plate recently.
90. What do you call a pig who does karate? Pork chop!
91. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
92. Why should you never fight a dinosaur? You'll get jurasskicked.
93. I'm glad I know sign language - it's pretty handy.
94. As I suspected, somebody has added soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
95. Tequila may not fix your life but its worth a shot.
96. The cheese factory exploded today, there was de brie everywhere!
97. I'm thinking about starting a herb garden, but I'm not sure if I have the thyme.
98. I don't trust people who do acupuncture. They're back stabbers.
99. I'm reading a book about teleportation. It's bound to take me places.
100. Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
101. I tried to make a pun about escaping quicksand, but I'm stuck.
102. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But then I turned myself around.
103. Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
104. Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety pills? For Hispanic attacks!
105. I try not to tell dad jokes. But when I do, he thinks they’re really funny.