Saturday, March 16, 2019

Humour - Words to the Wise

  1. Don’t piss off old people. The older we get the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.
  2. Have ye ever listened to some folks for a minute and thought, "Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle”?
  3. Teenagers: Tired of being harassed by your parents? Act now!! Move out, get a job, pay your own way while you still know everything!!
  4. Aliens probably ride past Earth with their doors locked.
  5. You’ll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in provt of me because you saw that sign two miles away, just as I did.
  6. I asked the library for books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you….”
  7. Police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. For crying out loud, my dogs don’t even have bikes.
  8. If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on, too.
  9. She danced like nobody was watching. But people were watching, and she danced as if bees were attacking her.
  10. I’m on two diets now. I wasn’t getting nearly enough food on just one.
  11. A cold seat in a public washroom is unpleasant. A warm seat, though, is worse.
  12. It’s not about how tired you are,” the father explained to the kids at bedtime. “It’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.”
  13. Apparently “maybe next time” isn’t the correct response to an RSVP to a friend’s wedding.
  14. For me, senility is going to involve a smooth transition.
  15. You’re not fat! C’mon: chin up. No,no! The other one….

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